Post-polyamory?
I can’t say if it’s a statistically significant trend, but I’ve noticed that a number of people who were polyamorous no longer are. I myself gradually went through this transition over the last five-ish years. While I have no problem believing that some people in some places can and do have very positive polyamorous relationships, and I’m sure people have actually switched from non-poly to poly in the same time period, I have some general observations which may explain some of the reasons people ditch poly.
A standard problem with polyamory is poly-friendly partners are rare in most locations. For me this is probably a sufficient reason to give up on it. The poly ideal is just an ideal if no one else shares it. In some ways polyamory is simpler than monogamy, in others ways it’s relationship ‘hard mode’. If the society does a poor job of training people for monogamous mating, there’s even less training for polyamory. Marriage and children are other well-known hurdles that further complicate poly relationships and reasons people might leave polyamory as they age.
Subtler causes having to do with sexual naivety may play a role as well. Someone who mainly just desires sexual variety (whether they know it or not) might conclude that the only solution is polyamory when in reality there are common relationship types that satisfy this requirement. Specifically, medium-term relationships are not expected to be monogamous and are largely focused on intercourse. However, they’re less explicit and might require social skills and exposure that one only gains with time.
The other side of the variety coin, “I don’t want my partner to be limited to me” may be an empathic desire to spare third parties from jealousy felt towards people in exclusive relationships. This desire and this jealousy may subside when people gain the social intelligence to be sufficiently attractive and meet enough people that monogamous couples are no longer seen as a threat to finding a mate — there are plenty of attractive and attracted fish in the sea.
Again, I’m sure there are folks who are not naive and have legitimate reasons why polyamory, precisely, is useful for them. I merely claim some people saw polyamory as a solution to perceived problems with traditional relationships when an alternative solution is developing the know-how to manage traditional relationships more effectively. And this know-how comes with age and may even be an unknown unknown for young people. In other words, you probably don’t have to hack relationships to have a good relationship.
