Being Kyried

Content Warning: death, violence, manipulation, Umineko spoilers.

Umineko No Naku Koro Ni is a story about a series of mysterious deaths which occur during the Ushiromiya family conference. In the seventh episode, we are given a brief view of a world in which the deaths were caused by Ushiromiya Kyrie, her stepsister Usiromiya Eva, and their respective husbands.

The events I wish to talk about occur late in the slaughter. Kyrie has just finished killing everyone at the guesthouse, and moves outside to rejoin her husband. There, she encounters Eva, whom she thought she had killed earlier, and who she immediately deduces has killed her partner.

Both Eva and Kyrie are holding guns. Eva is very good with guns, because she spent her youth pursuing masculine hobbies in a vain attempt to impress her sexist father. She is extremely familiar with the guns in question, having grown up in the same household as them. Kyrie is very bad with guns, because she’s never needed to use them. She has no history with the gun she’s holding, and her attempts to kill people with it have a remarkable tendency to fail; by this point, she has resorted to stabbing everyone she wants dead. It is clear who has the advantage in a gunfight.

There is no way for Kyrie to talk, beg or bargain herself out of this situation. She is personally responsible for the deaths of Eva’s beloved husband, Eva’s beloved son, and several other relatives Eva didn’t particularly like but would have preferred not to have seen dead. It may take time for Eva to justify adding to the body count, but Kyrie knows she’s unlikely to see the sunrise regardless of what she says.

When Eva kills her, the only surviving members of the Ushiromiya family will be Eva, and Kyrie’s young daughter Ange. In the long term, Eva’s attitude towards Ange will end up deciding her fate. (Technically, there is at least one other living Ushiromiya at this point, but neither Eva nor Kyrie know this, and the other survivor(s) end up not being relevant.)

Kyrie acknowledges this reversal of her fortunes, and responds by doing many extremely clever and extremely horrifying things in quick succession.

She starts by claiming she doesn’t care about her husband and daughter. This is a strange way to begin a conversation. It is also false: Kyrie’s actions throughout the rest of the story are driven by a desire to keep her husband safe and loyal, and her daughter happy. The purpose of Kyrie’s claim is to make Eva see Ange as a fellow victim and survivor, someone she can care for without furthering the goals of an enemy.

She moves on to insisting that Eva is very similar to her, and that she would have committed similar atrocities if she’d had the opportunity. This may be true, but even if it is, saying it doesn’t improve Kyrie’s chances of survival. The purpose of this claim is to make Eva want to differentiate herself from Kyrie, since — as per the last point — this implies caring about Kyrie’s family.

But the cleverest thing Kyrie does here — possibly the cleverest and worst and Kyriest thing any Kyrie ever does — is tell Eva exactly how best to abandon Ange.

Kyrie explains that after she leaves the conference, she plans to write Ange a tearful letter explaining how she can’t support her after everything that happened, then flee across the world to enjoy a new life as a free woman. Eva cannot leave Ange in this way without imitating the plan of her hated enemy, and cannot leave her any other way because this method would be the least harmful; in other words, Kyrie has removed every option Eva has for abandoning her daughter.

I bring this up because the class of error Kyrie inflicts on Eva is one people frequently inflict on themselves.

“These ingredients are past their prime, so I won’t cook with them, but I’d feel bad throwing them out while they’re still edible, so I’ll just leave them until they rot.” You have Kyried yourself.

“I currently have no way to make progress on my most important/urgent project, and I can’t work on anything less important, so I just won’t do anything.” Kyrie.

“I identify as the sort of person who does as well as possible on assignments, but this assignment hits a point of diminishing returns around six hours’ work, so I’ll procrastinate until six hours before the deadline.” Again, Kyrie.

The general formula: you have two options, but feel bad taking one while the other is an option, and cannot take the other because the one is obviously superior, so you find yourself doing nothing. There are variations, but this is the theme.

What do you do when you notice or suspect you are being Kyried?

The first step is to say “I am being Kyried” in a loud, clear voice (mental or otherwise). About a third of the time, explicit acknowledgement makes the correct choice obvious.

The rest of the time, you must actually think about things. A sensible starting point is to consider which of your choices you are discarding out of a vague sense of obligation or aversion. These may not actually be the choices you should make, since vague apprehensions are frequently your gut’s method of conveying important and valuable information. But examining these feelings is generally a good next step to take. Beyond there, it depends heavily on the individual and their circumstances.

Once you’re familiar enough with the mechanism, and your personal reaction to it, it becomes possible to Kyrie yourself in ways which actually help. The format for this: “I’m very tempted to do [bad thing], but I can’t do it by [optimal method] because [reasons], and I can’t do it by any other method because [optimal method] is the optimal method, so I guess I won’t.” Results may vary regarding whether this is more helpful than “I’m very tempted to do [bad thing], but I won’t do [bad thing] because [bad thing] is a bad thing to do”, but there’s a certain kind of mind for which the more convoluted approach can work wonders.

Realising that her trickery took, and that it would be prudent to quit while she’s ahead, Kyrie raises her gun, prompting Eva to do the same. Kyrie and Eva shoot and dodge simultaneously. Eva’s shot connects, Kyrie’s does not, and Ange’s fate is decided. The last thing Kyrie perceives before the world slips from her is her worst enemy pledging to protect and care for the person she loves the most.

In the end, Kyrie’s plan works perfectly. She manages to fool not only Eva, but most readers, and possibly the author. This is as it should be: fictional tricksters who do not occasionally mislead their own writers are not trying hard enough.

(Assertions that I am attempting to popularize my preferred interpretation of a story by intertwining it with self-help advice are scandalous, and to be disregarded.)